Inspired by a blogger with whom I recently connected, who shared about her experience getting sober on her blog, I am going to take a leap of faith on this 29th day of February that happens once every 4 years to share something that I have been experiencing for the last 4 years.
4 years ago, I experienced by first bout of debilitating depression. I took a medicine that caused me to have awful, awful side effects, one of which was a serious episode with depression. Since then, almost every month or every other month I have struggled with depression that became worse and worse. Initially, it would wipe me out for a day or so. I could still show up for work with albeit with a frown on my face, but still show up.
Once we moved to Phoenix, it became worse to the point that I would pretty much stay home when it hit. I felt completely opposite my normal self and struggled to even get laundry or dishes done during the time that D went to work. It has been more than a little stressful on our family for me to experience depression so severe.
While we were in the Bay Area, I started seeing a psychologist after the first episode 4 years ago. Thankfully, she has continued to work with me since we moved as it is nice to have that continuity of care. I have seen several psychiatrists as well to see if anti-depressants could help. Each time, I take an anti-depressant, I have a pretty severe reaction. I tried a new one a few weeks ago and it was no exception. Literally could not sleep several nights that week after taking it. Bless my current psychiatrist for continuing to look for ways to break this cycle and not thinking only in terms of medicine.
One theory for my depression is PTSD; perhaps I am in a near constant state of heightened arousal, so that when something bad happens I experience it more intensely that I should. EMDR has been brought up several times for me, but this time it is actually the prescription from my psychiatrist AND she gave me three referrals.
Yesterday, we ran a race and it felt so good to get back in the saddle after a really disappointing race in December (ok, an epic failure kind of race that I will write more about soon). After the race, we treated ourselves to brunch at OHSO with Merlin and it was so much fun that we were inspired to keep Sunday Funday.
I chose to skip dishes yesterday. It was the first time that I chose not to do dishes not for feeling depressed, but to truly relish in a fun day with my husband and our puppy. The dishes sitting in the sink did not cause me stress or anxiety as I knew that I made the choice to put them off until today.
Since today is a bonus day this year, I chose to putz around our home to get laundry and dishes done plus some of my administrative work.
I will plan to share more about my progress on healing myself here in the coming weeks and months.
Thank you for listening….together we are stronger.