Another post from the series of emails that I sent in 2014 as we navigated starting an IVF cycle….
Yogi Tea message: Be proud of who you are
a favorite quote: I can’t change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination. – Jimmy Dean
We are starting a cleanse tomorrow, which feels good as this year has been full of changes and it feels like our bodies just need to reset. Eating out (a lot) while moving plus simply the stress of moving and changing jobs has left us both feeling taxed. We have also this week officially hit the pause button on the whole IVF journey. It has been loosely on pause since June and that whole functional cyst fiasco, but this week I requested a refund from the doctor. I was impressed that he called me personally to tell me that we should not give up hope that the cyst could happen to anyone and we are not a lost cause. That impressed me. What did not impress me was that he was the only doctor in his clinic and failed to mention this before we signed up with him and oh yah planned a trip in the middle of what would have been the first cycle. One of you affirmed for me that this was not very ethical of him. I am not sure if we would go back to him or go some place else, but after a summer with 3 bouts of depression that rocked my core, I decided that I needed to officially say we are putting this off and request our money back.
At the end of October, I am going on a retreat just me, myself and I. It is a first for me to take a retreat for a week. I have gone away for weekends here or there, but never a week and quite honestly, I have never looked forward to something so much. It will be in Sedona starting with a weekend of yoga, a couple solo retreat days, and culminating in another, more comprehensive detox. In this midst of my last bout with depression, a dear friend suggested a spiritual retreat, which is how I came to spend an entire day searching for something to calm my soul. I found this place in Sedona and the detox spoke to me on a deep level as I feel that part of the depression is the fact that twice in the last two years I have been put on hormones to change my body chemistry. I have never responded well to hormones and generally have a very intense response to them. Pretty sure that some of these effects are still lingering with me, so cleaning out my system sounds good. Then I was sharing this with another friend and she mentioned a yoga retreat in Sedona, low and behold they were at the SAME place and could be done the same week. Felt a bit like fate.
We have most certainly not given up hope for a baby, but it feels important and critical to address the currents of mood that have been bubbling to the surface over the last two years and pretty much exploded this summer. I work with a psychologist, who is really a life coach on some levels, and she has said that my body can only do so much coping before it crashes as it has been coping with a lot of stress for a long time. As the seasons change to fall, I am looking forward to adjusting my sails to heal myself to continue towards my dream of being a mom. I will be much better and proud of myself if I am if I am healthy and in being healthy, I will be able to be a better friend, wife, and some day mom.
I finally feel like I also have the right medical team around me to achieve the health I seek: a naturopath (who remembered and asked me how my first day of work went and also adjusts the plan if the plan is not working as well as she thought), a primary care physician (who sees that physical symptoms can be a result of stress on the body), and a psychologist (who has encouraged me to keep on trucking time and again on the path to feeling better).
I am grateful for the support and encouragement that I have found in my chosen family, my A team, namely each of you. We do not journey alone, we journey together. Thank you for your support.