Another post from the series of emails that I sent in 2014 as we navigated starting an IVF cycle….
I feel like there is a song with lyrics that say “who will heal your soul?” yet I cannot find it for then life of me. It was humming thru my head today. This week was a good week after I copped to going to my Western medicine/primary care doctor last week for some help and advice and she prescribed a good old anti-depressant. She prescribed me with an SNRI, which I had not tried before. I seem to have snapped back so I am grateful for that. I thought I had made it thru this month “hormonally” but then a few days after my period the lovely D graced its presence once again….Probably a combination of triggers, but I needed a bit more than a naturopath to get back this time, it takes a village…
My birthday was mediocre as I felt like crap. We went for a weekend getaway (tied to a family wedding), but I just didn’t have my usual pep in my step. I was happy that we decided to stay at a place away from the wedding chaos. Then one of you visited me (ok us…) as our first houseguest and while I did not feel great during the stay, she helped me keep on swimming (her sage advice to me many moons ago) and we had a good time. Not the kinda time I would have planned on my better days, but a solid good time that filled up my soul with joy and helped me feel better.
She also helped me understand why this year in particular has been so hard. She was the one that made me realize way back when our mail was going to “General Delivery” at the Phoenix post office that it was a problem because I am someone who needs a physical address. Yes I LOVE to travel and I mean LOVE to adventure, but I like to have a place to call home, a place to receive handwritten notes. A place to send notes from. And this time she shared with me something I had not quite seen. In the Bay Area, we had a lovely town home, but it was not quite an “entertaining” home. While I have always enjoyed throwing dinner parties and gatherings, that home was not quite it even though we did a fair amount of it. So she said to me, oh gosh, it must be hard to have a home clearly built for entertaining without friends here (yes, I have one or two of you in the area, but I don’t have the established Bay Area friends).
With this in mind, I decided to throw myself a 35th birthday party this week when another one of you is visiting. That’s right we go months and months without any houseguests and then have 2 in less than a week, what none of you like Phoenix in the summer?? (Side note: September is really better than October in the future as our pool is a more palatable temperature, right now it is chilly as apparently nobody heats their pools in Phoenix….)
I thoroughly enjoyed a long conversation with another one of you. I love in person, on the phone, or handwritten notes the most. This week also marked me cleaning up my personal FB page and clearing out 80-90 people that I had not heard from either via FB, phone or email in more than 6 mos and I decided that I would guard that personal page a little more deeply.
A week from tomorrow I head to Sedona on Halloween of all days. For years after my Dad died, I hated Halloween as that was the day before the day that we said good-bye to him, the day he was in a coma, the day we knew he would leave so soon. He died on All Saints Day of all days and 11/1 is forever a part of my life. My “5” birthdays inevitably will be challenging throughout my life as they will always be 15 days before another decade has passed missing my dad. This year, this is the first decade and a decade is a long, long time.
I am so looking forward to my retreat. It is so out of character for me to literally go away for 10 days by myself, but it is exhilarating all the same. There is very limited cellphone or internet coverage, so I will literally be shutting down for 10 days. I have a number of good books that were recommended to me that I will be taking on the trip, but I am also hoping to just enjoy the quiet. The first 3 days will be yoga with Seane Corne than 2 nights of personal retreat (one afternoon I am going to visit the “kid” I used to nanny many moons ago in SF who is now living in Prescott) followed by 5 nights of detox culminating in my return to Phoenix on the 9th for our first NFL football game with D’s best friend and his family. That will probably be a smack back into reality, but I am hoping I can ease back into it….
Oh and in case you are wondering, the Cleanse went really well. We have decided to not have milk in our house and only drink it periodically. We are also incorporating this eating into most of our life as it just feels better. Granted, wine came back as did some sweets, but we are being more conscious about our overall choices.
So in who will heal my soul? I think it is a bit of me and a little bit of you and some good old-fashion time.