The curse of one phase is the blessing of the next phase. The title of this blog post is a line in certain documents that I have gotten to know very well over the last 3 months.
It’s the line that got under my skin as it seems strange to me that it has to be called out in a legal document for all to see. Yup, this goes on public record.
This week is National Infertility Awareness week, so it seemed fitting to write about this today of all days as I signed the papers that close a portion of my life forever.
The curse of the marriage was that we could not get pregnant, it just was not in the cards. We were told that the best option for us would be IVF with ICSI, however I could never get past the hormones.
When we started the IUI in the Bay Area, they prescribed Clomid as that is generally the first line of defense in hormones helping you get more eggs. Well, there is now a red flag on my medical record forever as I had the very worst response to Clomid – it made me suicidal.
Yup, that was an adventure and a half, so we pulled the plug on the IUI and hit the pause button so I could regroup in therapy and start my adventure on psychiatric medicines to try to fix a problem that was less chemical and more situational.
When we got to Phoenix, we were ready to give it another go especially since we had literally cashed out on our Bay Area lifestyle selling the property for a healthy profit. We waited a few months and then found a doctor. We started that journey in June of 2014. (You can read all about it here)
It was exciting to start; we tried to start it off on the right foot with a little weekend getaway and everything to keep me in a good mental state alas those dreaded hormones proved to be my nemesis yet again. I was a lucky girl that got a hormone producing cyst before we even began the shots.
They put me on a different medicine called Femara that pummeled me into depression and did nothing to stop my estrogen from climbing above 300 by August. Thankfully a naturopath was able to help me with castor oil packs finally get rid of the cyst around my birthday before I went on a much needed retreat in Sedona.
It was the curse of the marriage, the month after month getting my period, saddened, discouraged….
Last spring getting my cycle started to be a blessing as I had figured out that I was not ready to have a kid in this place of my life.
I started researching freezing my eggs last spring, but ultimately waited until this spring to meet with UCSF to determine if it would still be an option for me. The good news is that it is very much still an option. I am still weighing how I want to proceed. I see myself having kids one day, but I am not sure when.
So, wife is most certainly not pregnant.