One step at a time…one baby step at a time…
Yesterday was a weird day. It was the end of the week when I purged our paperwork. Way back in April, I sorted and purged the photos. It was an intense experience, so I opted to wait to go thru the paperwork. The paperwork has sat in my garage as it felt weird to bring it back inside.
For RD 1, I made myself uncomfortable. I did not sit inside and sort the stuff in my house. I chose to literally sit in the discomfort by sorting things on the floor of my garage. It was cathartic.
For RD 2, I opted to make myself a bit more comfortable and I sorted the stuff inside. This round was easier. There were less tears. It was eye opening to see a dream list from 2012.
To realize that for the last 5 years, I paused so many of my dreams…
To realize that we accomplished all but one of our dreams together…and to realize that I am quite ok with the fact that that dream was not accomplished.
Until yesterday, I really had not shed many tears in RD 2. Then I got a friend request from someone…then the crocodile tears came. Cathartic to let go. It is always cathartic to let go.
This year is going to be one big transition, one big year of mother f’ing change. Everything is new. Everything is different.
Yesterday was also a day where I heard something on the radio that made me reach out to my ex. One of his favorite bands is Linkin Park. I went to several concerts with him. To hear that Chester died, I just had to call and let him know I was thinking about him.
“I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end, it doesn’t even matter. I had to fall to lose it all, but in the end, it doesn’t even matter”.
Suicide hits too close to home. I consider myself lucky to have a support network that allowed me on the darkest days to know that I was never, ever alone. I believe in the end that it does matter and that we can lose it all to find something better.
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, Crisis Text Line is a great place to start. Simply send a text to 741-741. A trained crisis counselor will respond, 24 hours a day and seven days a week. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Like Crisis Text Line, these folks are available 24/7.