There is no kidding around. Last week was one of the hardest weeks in terms of grief this past year. When I lost my Dad, I grieved heavy the first year. I could not talk about him without tears dripping down my face. For a few years after, my voice quivered when I spoke about him. Then things got easier and I was able to talk about him.
The intensity of the grief faded. There is not a single day that goes by that I do not wish to see him, touch him, hug him, hear him. Those feelings will not ever pass yet they fade. When we spread his ashes in Rishikesh, the intense grief came back. I remember vividly crying the gut wrenching tears that my then husband bravely and compassionately nurtured in a hotel room far up in the Himalayas.
Those tears passed and I moved back to the grief that I could tolerate. We set my Dad free on that trip and watched as his ashes went into the Ganges.
I bring up the intensity of this grief as this week was the first time that the intensity of choosing the divorce arose in ways that I could not control. It is Saturday and my eyes are still puffy from the waves of tears that came throughout the week. There are no regrets about this path yet it does not take away the loss of the longest relationship of my adult life. Bittersweet.
Of course as with all other hard weeks, I spread the good this week. I mailed cards to women in my life to share love with them and invited others to share an evening with me on the 13th. As with all other spreading the good, it came back to me tenfold.
I received text messages, shared meals with girlfriends, received flowers from a girlfriend, and countless invitations to share time.
Next year will be different, each day gets easier. I will continue to strive to make this life mine. This week I faced the real conclusion that in this year of Allison, guys will be passing moments of time.
They distract me from my audacious goals. This year I am facing a very real decision, which I have shared with a few close friends, and I determined that this decision will be mine all mine.