What’s the biggest loss that you’ve experienced? Consider the time after the loss. It may be hard. The firsts after a significant loss may be challenging. Everyone’s experience is different.
I knew I was letting go of my marriage when the grief that I started experiencing in my body mirrored the grief I felt in my body when I lost my Dad. My propensity in grief is that when I do not allow myself to let the tears flow, when I do not allow myself to experience the fullness of the loss, is that my stomach is constantly upset.
When I lost my Dad, I lived off sushi from Sushi Sam’s and cheesecake ice cream with chocolate chips from Cold Stone Creamery. I could barely even eat those things. Watching me eat when I experience grief is a painful experience as I eat painstakingly slow.
Yesterday, I learned that one of my dear friends is moving back to her hometown. I will help her sell her house. Here’s the biggest deal: she was the girl here the night he moved out, she was the girl that invited me to share Thanksgiving, and she was here on New Year’s Eve.
She’s that kind of friend. The kind that allows you to show up and be you in your most authentic self, which means that you chose her house for Thanksgiving because she was serving chili and chili was something you could get down
For the last two weeks I have struggled with nausea and an overwhelming need to cry. The tears kept bubbling up when I didn’t have log enough to let them fully come, so I bottled them inside.
Problem with that? Friday I puked. What happens when you bottle up emotions? They come out however they come out.
So back to the title of this post. DLR gave me a toolbox last year in the form of a pleasure list. I was to write down anything that makes me happy. The list is full of random little bright spots that make me happy, including as you probably guessed: hot showers, long drives, and smiles.
Took a hot shower in the wee hours of the morning, will enjoy a long drive to CA today, and I have a permanent reminder on my right wrist to smile. Even in the tears that finally flowed this morning, I was able to smile at the happy memories that have gone along side the loss.
I have committed to finish the name change before the next former anniversary happens. There is a loss there too: closure on the person that I became for 16 years, and closure on a person that struggled to find herself to embrace the self that is fully and authentically me.